The Poop Story by Tim (aka Hubby)

Here it is ladies!  The post I've been waiting for him to write for tooooo long!  I did zero editing, this is all the hubby! :)  Enjoy.

For several months my wife has been asking (nagging) me to write a guest blog for her. I read her blog religiously to find out if I am in any trouble and to make necessary changes to my behavior. She told me to write about whatever I wanted but try to make it funny. After telling several people at work this story and seeing them fall off of their chairs laughing, naturally I decided to tell you ‘The Poop Story’.

If you follow my Emily’s blog you know that we have a very active 3 year old who calls me his ‘big buddy’. He is very, very smart and can do almost anything he puts his mind to. We have been trying most of the summer to get him potty trained; this seems to be the one thing he has a problem with. He will consistently go #1, but #2 seems to be more than he can deal with.  He will hold it for several days to avoid having to use the potty for this function and usually explodes, hopefully at the sitter’s house. His personal best is 6 days.

So, one Sunday afternoon in September, the second week of football season, Emily asked me to watch him while she went to lunch with Aly and did some shopping. Being the first rate husband and father that I am I agreed without hesitation. We came home from church, ate lunch, played for a few minutes and then it was nap time for him and football time for me. I put a diaper on him and laid him down for his nap. All was going according to plan and several hours of blissful football awaited me.

WARNING: What you are about to read may be disturbing to some of you so stop now if you have a weak stomach.

About half an hour after I put him to bed I heard the upstairs bathroom toilet flush. My first thought was what a good little boy; he went pee all on his own. I never investigated as there was no noise or commotion and I resumed my date with the Colts not giving it a second thought. Five minutes later I heard the upstairs toilet flush again and decided to investigate. As a turned to climb the stairs several things happened at once. First, I see my son standing at the top of the stairs completely naked and posing like a gymnast who just stuck the landing. At the same time my nose was assaulted by an overpowering stench and I observed that not only was he naked, he was also covered from the neck down with, you guessed it, POOP! When I reached the top of the stairs I was in a state of shock and picked him up under the armpits, by my index fingers holding him as far away from me as possible. We headed for the master bathroom shower with him laughing, clearly he was missing the gravity of the situation, and me yelling ‘don’t touch anything, don’t touch anything’. After 3 complete scrub downs I deemed him sanitized and thought the worst was over. I have never been more wrong in my life.  I was not prepared for the utter devastation that I observed.

As we walked back down the hall toward his room I looked in the bathroom. I wept. His PJ pants and soiled diaper were hanging halfway out of the garbage can dripping, yes dripping, onto the floor. The toilet was almost completely covered in poop, and there was a trail on the floor. He had tried to rinse out the diaper in the toilet. At this point my cute little boy looked up and said ‘I tried to go potty, and then I tried to clean it up’. If I would have had my wits about me I would have recognized the foreshadowing of the second part of that statement. I wrapped him up in his towel and told him to sit in the hall while I found enough bleach to cover this. After 30 minutes of intense scrubbing, weeping, and cursing under my breath I had restored the bathroom. Ok, I handled it and the worst was surely over. Wrong again.

We next went into his room to get him dressed and I nearly passed out. He had tried to wipe himself with the following: EVERY diaper we had, his blanket, his pillow, his sheets, his stuffed animals, all the dirty clothes in his laundry basket, his clothe book his Aunt had given him, and finally the carpet.  Trying to remain calm I dressed him and took him downstairs to play so I could think of the best way to burn down the house. I headed back upstairs with a garbage bag and put everything washable in it and ran to the washer and searched for the boil setting. I resumed my assault on the bedroom and at this point I saw the 2 inch wide by 2 feet long streak on the carpet. If you have ever seen a dog scooting on the floor you understand what happened. I began scrubbing, and scrubbing, and scrubbing the dozen or so ‘spots’ on the carpet trying not to become ill. I was completely disgusted and wondered how could a boy poop that much, it had to be some kind of record.

Now I hear Emily coming in the front door and ask Cooper “why is your hair wet?” I stepped out to the stair landing and could not speak; all I could do was to point in his room and shake my head. Emily’s reaction to what she saw and was told was not the same as mine. It appeared she was relieved to have been gone and thought it was somewhat funny.   She helped me finish the cleaning and she was very jovial. I think she was trying to stop my sobbing by making me laugh and I hope this story made you chuckle as well.

Thanks for reading,

Tim

Now, show the man some love and tell him what you think of his story!  Should Tim guest post again?? :)